morning. cried. tears. non stop.
i cant take it anymore.
1. spending hours just on one thing trying to understand it when it makes no sense at all.
i dun even get it. mathematics is abt numbers. why the hell are there even alphabets???
2. one thing i have very strongly is a sense of responsibility. and when i dont fulfil this responsibility, i break down. i blame myself. this sinks deeply into my heart and its hard to get over this. rwar. I DONT WANT THIS SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY. I WANT OUT. OUT!!! i dont wanna take charge, i dont wanna be responsible for anyone!!! and i dont wanna be in band!!!
3. i guess what really brings me down is that i dun like to trouble people. it makes me feel bad. guilt. and with the added sense of guilt from the responsibility, its x2 the effect. i dont mind if people come to me sad or pissed, looking for some kindness in return. in fact, im more than happy to help them. and deep inside, i noe tt they are willing to listen too. but, heck, i just cant bring myself to trouble them. and if i ever do open up to someone, i takes alot of gut and all just to make me share my troubles. and whats worse? those that try so hard to help me end up gettign frustrated and pissed and dun talk to me anymore.
so... sometimes, i guess, the only way i can release myself is through here.
i trouble myself, typing this out.
i dont expect anyone to reply. seriously, i just wanna voice out and release this.
...
ahh yes.
i didnt go 2 sch today.
because i was crying so badly. i cant take this anymore.
all this negativity that was building up within me.
heck, nobody understands.
mom? she just thinks i wanna stay at home to finish my homework.
but hell, i dun even UNDERSTAND it.
yes, it is.
...
i've always been alone. alone in my own little world of... me, myself, and i.
i wanted to open up. its always what i wanted. but why cant i? is this really sth that i can never rid myself of?
...
i need help, but where do i start? who can i seek?
...
and u. im scared of looking for u to comfort me.
with every time i open up to u, i just get more vulnerable to ur words.
it scares me, how weak i am to u.
and u're not helping with that. i wish you would, but then again, i wish you wouldnt.
yes, i'm messed up. really messed up.
and there aint no god or deity to come save me.
just me, myself, and i.
i cant take it anymore.
1. spending hours just on one thing trying to understand it when it makes no sense at all.
i dun even get it. mathematics is abt numbers. why the hell are there even alphabets???
2. one thing i have very strongly is a sense of responsibility. and when i dont fulfil this responsibility, i break down. i blame myself. this sinks deeply into my heart and its hard to get over this. rwar. I DONT WANT THIS SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY. I WANT OUT. OUT!!! i dont wanna take charge, i dont wanna be responsible for anyone!!! and i dont wanna be in band!!!
3. i guess what really brings me down is that i dun like to trouble people. it makes me feel bad. guilt. and with the added sense of guilt from the responsibility, its x2 the effect. i dont mind if people come to me sad or pissed, looking for some kindness in return. in fact, im more than happy to help them. and deep inside, i noe tt they are willing to listen too. but, heck, i just cant bring myself to trouble them. and if i ever do open up to someone, i takes alot of gut and all just to make me share my troubles. and whats worse? those that try so hard to help me end up gettign frustrated and pissed and dun talk to me anymore.
so... sometimes, i guess, the only way i can release myself is through here.
i trouble myself, typing this out.
i dont expect anyone to reply. seriously, i just wanna voice out and release this.
...
ahh yes.
i didnt go 2 sch today.
because i was crying so badly. i cant take this anymore.
all this negativity that was building up within me.
heck, nobody understands.
mom? she just thinks i wanna stay at home to finish my homework.
but hell, i dun even UNDERSTAND it.
"its every man for himself."
yes, it is.
...
i've always been alone. alone in my own little world of... me, myself, and i.
i wanted to open up. its always what i wanted. but why cant i? is this really sth that i can never rid myself of?
...
i need help, but where do i start? who can i seek?
...
and u. im scared of looking for u to comfort me.
with every time i open up to u, i just get more vulnerable to ur words.
it scares me, how weak i am to u.
and u're not helping with that. i wish you would, but then again, i wish you wouldnt.
yes, i'm messed up. really messed up.
and there aint no god or deity to come save me.
just me, myself, and i.
"stop crying, you idiot.
stop fucking crying."
stop fucking crying."
Written in blood @ 1/20/2009 03:09:00 PM
